Heaven Day

One year ago today Ryan slipped from my arms to the Savior's arms at 11:33 am. I will never forget the peace and the heartbreak I felt all at once at this moment.

I will always remember:
The fear I had in me that morning knowing what would happen
Wondering how long you would live after we took all the tubes away
Feeling so much joy as I held you for the first time in my arms and felt your warms skin next to mine
So happy to see you pain free
Hoping that you could hear me sing to you and feel my warm touch
Kissing you so much over and over on your nose, little lips, eyes, head, chin... everywhere so I could remember what it felt like later on
Not knowing how to know when you passed because you were so tiny, but you made a little squeak, your first sound, and my soul filled with so much joy
The moment the nurse came in and found your heart still beating
And then the moment the nurse came in and found no heart beat, and then another nurse coming in to confirm and write down passing time
The room we were in when it all happened, in your wonderful pediatricians office that was so secluded, and comfortable, and private
After your passing the stillness that was in the room, it felt like the world had stopped
The peace that came upon me and your dad that lasted the rest of the day, like you were there with us, watching everything and everyone
All the family and close friends that came in after a couple hours we had alone with you, each taking turn holding you
How beautiful and peaceful you looked, so perfect
The look your big brother had on his face when he first came into the room to see you, the door opened, he ran in yelling baby!
The way Jonathon was so curious, wanting to touch you all over and hug you and ask questions
The feeling I got holding you all day, I never wanted to let go, I had to soak each second up
The moment later that day we decided it was time for the nurse to take you away and how my heart literally broke in two and I felt as if I might die
The crying Jake and I did lying next to each other in my hospital bed the rest of the evening and all night long

We love you sweet angel baby and know you are watching over us, we miss you tremendously and can't wait for the day when we will meet again! I am so lucky to be your mommy forever!! I am so lucky to know that after this life we will still be a family, together forever! Tonight we are releasing white balloons with special messages written on them at the cemetery to send you in heaven, Jonathon loves doing this, we will be enjoying donuts (halos) in your honor too angel Ryan :)