Journal Entry about Ryan

I read this entry I wrote in my journal, about a year ago, the other day and wanted to share it.

-October 18, 2008

Today is my 23rd birthday. While 23 may seem so young, I feel old. Going through the experiences I did with Ryan; pregnancy complications, pre-term labor, emergency c-section, Ryan's Trisomy 18 diagnosis, his passing and then funeral, all of it makes me feel exhausted and so wrong. We visit his grave sight every Sunday. When I stand there I feel like an old woman, or better yet wish I was one, because then that would mean I'm closer to seeing Ryan again. It shouldn't be me standing there anyway. It should be my children, including Ryan, looking over my grave. That's supposed to be the circle of life, and when that circle is distorted and mothers stand at their babies graves, life becomes altered, the world stops and hushes to a silence, just like their hearts. It's unatural, unfair and so heartbreakingly crue I think.

My birthday isn't as exciting as it usually feels, because I wish I had my baby Ryan to celebrate with us. I miss him so very much! With the holidays coming up, I'm going to miss him even deeper because I will be missing out on all of those wonderful memories and traditions I could enjoy and create with him. Do they have special events or holidays in heaven? Will we be allowed to celebrate and create traditions there? I hope so, that way we can still share those special times with Ryan one day. Will we be able to create new memories in heaven after this life? I hope so, so that we can create many years of memories with him from childhood to adulthood. I hope the process of infancy to adulthood is slow in heaven so that I can enjoy Ryan as a baby, toddler, etc., just like I would have here.

The other night, it was getting late, and I had to make a quick run to the store. I saw that night how dark, hard, lonely, and sick the world really is and suddenly I thought how grateful I am that Ryan was spared from this world of sin and sorrow. Who knows what he would have had to go through or what bad things could have happened to him. As his blessing said, he was too great. As his mother I am glad he is safe with the Savior. He's loved and very protected there! I am glad, actually feel blessed, about that.

- Reading this now a year later, I feel I have come a long way. I still have all of the same feelings, but I have more knowledge of the promises that await me and have found joy in the many wonderful things I have to look forward to. I am glad I feel strong enough and have an open desire to share these personal feelings with you.