My beautiful son Ryan was born on August 21, 2008 at 6:13 am, two months early at only 30 weeks gestation. It was a very hard and shocking day. Jake, Jonathon, and I went in for a quick 15 minute heart and fluid monitoring session, and what ended up happening was the last thing we ever thought could happen. During this check up the nurse said I was having contractions! This shocked me because what I thought was Ryan moving all around, which he always did, were actually little contractions. I was quickly checked afterwards by my OB Dr. Waller, and my worst nightmare was at my door, yet again with this pregnancy, I was in labor and dilated over a one. So I was then quickly sent up stairs, meanwhile Jake is wrestling with poor tired Jonathon and shocked in disbelief as well. We checked into labor and delivery at the University of Washington Medical Center in Seattle around 3 pm. Changing into my gown, getting an IV put into my arm, all the procedures seemed like a nightmare, like I would wake up because it was too unreal, too unfair. I had no idea what would happen to me, to Ryan for being so early.
Jonathon was picked up by Jake’s mom, thank goodness around 5:30 pm. Many nurses were comforting saying that the medicine I was given through my IV and the pills taken would stop my contractions, and I could keep Ryan in me for weeks! This made me happy and hopeful. Until about 2 in the morning I noticed a lot of extra fluid running down my leg, and after an examination, another nightmare at my door, my water was broken. But there was still hope, yes, the nurses said babies can live weeks without amniotic fluid too; hope once again restored a little. My contractions had stopped and I was still leaking a lot of amniotic fluid, soaking towel after towel in seconds. My nurse wanted Jake and I to get some rest so she gave me two strong sleeping pills at about 4 am. At about 5 am about 15 nurses suddenly ran through our hospital room door checking the baby’s heart rate, pulling tubes, taking data and suddenly I was being wheeled out on my bed into another room, I asked what was wrong! And a nurse replied that the baby’s heart rate was dropping very fast! They told Jake to stay put in the room and the next thing I knew, half drowsy from my sleeping pills; I was being prepared for an emergency C-Section. I was shaking uncontrollably, scared out of my mind. The anesthesiologist talked to me for a second and prepared me for a spinal in my back, after that my body from my stomach down to my toes went numb. Then I saw my huge belly being rubbed with brown stuff. Finally, Jake arrived at my side and the surgery had begun.
I don’t remember very much what happened after, but Jake said they sewed and stapled my tummy up like a shirt, the baby made it out alive and was being transported to the NICU, and I felt Jake stroking my hair and kissing my forehead. A couple hours after delivery they transported me, on a hospital bed, to the NICU to see Ryan for the first time. I guess the first thing I asked Jake was if his hands were clinched. Then I saw him and he was so tiny and had tubes everywhere. I cried and reached out to him and put my finger in his clinched right hand. After this my mom shortly arrived, and Jonathon with Jake’s parents to see the baby. Jonathon had to put on a gown, hair net, and a mask to see the baby; he didn’t like it too much. The next day our Bishop came with another couple in our ward Sean and Amanda MacDonald to give me, Jake, and Ryan a blessing. I was blessed to be able to hold Ryan and that he would be alive to feel my warmth.
We knew something was wrong with Ryan by the obvious signs, clinched hands, webbed toes on right foot, and how little he was. He weighed 2 pounds and 11 ounces at birth, 14 ½ inches long. We were waiting, however on his test results to get more information. The following day after visiting, singing, holding Ryan’s hands we met with his Pediatrician, who was excellent, Dr. Batra and a couple other Dr’s. This moment was the most excruciating and heart breaking moment of my life! They confirmed the nightmare I had been pushing back all these weeks, Ryan had Trisomy 18 the very rare chromosomal disorder, the words “fatal” flushed through my mind and I cried and cried. I couldn’t believe it! My son, my little baby! Ryan had many heart abnormalities, his lungs were underdeveloped, but better then they would have been if I hadn’t taken the steroid shot the night before his birth in my bottom to boost his lung development. His brain had certain problems and his trachea was abnormal. He was suffering, and the only thing keeping him alive was his breathing tube, which was very uncomfortable for him. When I saw his pain and anguish I felt sick and so did Jake. Dr. Batra said many parents put their babies through a lot of pain for their own selfish desires, and he urged us to think otherwise, to think of Ryan’s comfort.
And so we knew what we had to do, the worst thing that could ever happen to me was at my doorstep, at age 22. We would take him out of the incubator and hold him and kiss him and comfort him as he went back into the Savior’s arms. We waited until Sunday, August 24 to do this so family and friends flying and driving in from out of state could meet our beautiful son Ryan and feel of his mighty spirit. Saturday the 23rd, all of our family and some friends arrived and Jake gave Ryan Christopher Tracy a name and a blessing. In this blessing every comfort I needed and every answer to my pain was delivered. Ryan was a valiant spirit sent down to earth to gain his perfect tabernacle, and that’s all he needed to do. He was too perfect to live in this world full of sin and sorrow. Heavenly Father needed Ryan back for his own wise purpose and I trusted this and knew it to be true. Ryan was part of the hosts of heavenly angels who helped deliver Satan out of Heaven. What a proud mother I am when I heard these words. My handsome son only needed a body for a few short days, more perfect than any of us, and I knew and still know that I need to live every day as perfect and like the Savior, so that I can be worthy to still be called, “mother,” by Ryan in the eternities to come. In his blessing it said that he would be doing missionary work, and that he completed all of his duties the Lord asked of him before this life. Ryan would have an eternal companion one day and he would feel the warmth of his mother’s arms.
Everyone who met him and held him felt of his strong and perfect spirit. Sunday at 11:33 am on August 24, 2008 Ryan passed away, very still and peacefully in my arms. It was so amazing to hold him for 10 minutes alive without any tubes and wires and the look of anguish on his face. He was at peace, he was warm to my touch, and I kissed him and hugged him and sang to him in those 10 minutes a long with Jake. When he passed the world was suddenly so still, so quiet, like it had stopped turning and I felt at peace. I saw my little baby, not alive, and it was like a nightmare in my head, like it wasn’t happening to me, but it was and yet I still felt his spirit dwelling there in that room with us and our family all day while we held him and took pictures. When Jonathon came into the room and saw his baby brother he yelled “Baby!” and ran towards him. He touched him all over, gave hugs and kisses, and was very curious and excited. He will be such a great big brother. He will, along with other future children, know of Ryan and love him and work hard to return back to him and Heavenly Father.
I never thought I could ever be strong enough to make it sanely or alive even going through losing a baby, but here I am alive, able to still smile and breathe, and my testimony has grown tremendously. I have never loved, and relied so heavily upon the Atonement and the Resurrection. Ryan, my beautiful baby boy, is with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ now; they are taking such great care of him. Ryan is doing the work of God; he is in a total state of happiness. He feels no pain, or sorrow and I know he wants Jake and me to feel happy for him and remain hopeful and steadfast in the Gospel and do our part here on earth in the temple. Together on both sides of the veil we will work.
I miss him every second, I miss kissing his cute nose, feeling the black hair on his head, holding his little fingers, just holding him, my baby, in my arms and rocking him and singing to him. I know he felt my love and warmth before he passed and I am so grateful we had that opportunity. What seemed like a chain of nightmares I see now was God’s plan. We are so humbled by submitting ourselves to God’s will. Ryan was meant to come now, and the way he came into the world enabled him to live to feel our touch.
I love you Ryan, more than my own life, with every inch of my being, you’re my beautiful and sweet son. Watch over us and your big brother Jonathon. Visit us with your spirit often. I cannot wait to see you again, to hold you, kiss you, see your sweet face, and raise you! What a joyful day that will be!! I feel so lucky to have you, to have been chosen to be the one to create your tabernacle with your dad and keep you safe inside me for seven wonderful months. I loved every kick and movement you made while in my tummy, so full of life. I ask myself what I did to be so lucky to deserve a perfect and valiant child. I know you feel lucky to have a mom and dad like us too. Until we meet again I will think of you so much every day, I will be the best wife and mom I can be here, I will help work along side you with missionary work, and I will hold you in my heart always. Love forever,
Ashley, Ryan’s lucky mommy
