Funk

I feel like I only post about all the fun, positive and post worthy things we do. This post is going to be different. This week has been really emotional for me and I couldn't figure out why. Through talking with Jake and having some alone time I have been trying to get out of this "funk" as I call it. I finally realized that all my thoughts would end up being about Ryan. For some reason, I thought, this week I am just really missing him and really feeling his absence in my life. It has been two and a half years since his passing, but I realize grieving is not over for me. It has been like a roller coaster. Sometimes, like this week, this happens: I go along the road of life as a happy mom, having fun with her four year old and baby and then all the sudden out of no where, bamb! It's like this invisible mist that creeps up, day by day, month by month, unknowingly to me, and then suddenly shows itself and pounces on me. It started before Caleb's birthday, and putting two and two together I realize that I have these two very strong conflicting feelings, which leaves me to be just a crazy emotional person. I was so extremely happy, beyond words, beyond anything I could ever try and describe to you, to be celebrating a one year birthday for Caleb... how long I have waited for this day! Yet at the same time, I was very very sad that I never got to do that with Ryan and sad about how much I wish I could have. Then I feel guilty about feeling that way because I should be focusing on adorable Caleb. I don't know, might seem odd to you, but I have been just totally missing him this week and just wishing, wishing it could have been different. But it's not, and it won't ever be and I am learning how to accept that, even now two years later, especially on weeks like this. Luckily these episodes aren't frequent anymore, they are very random and seldom now, but they still hurt and are tiring. Tiring because it's like starting all over when it hits, going through all the phases, letting all of it ("it" meaning sadness) come through my system so that when I'm done, I can be over it, be strong again for my family and be happy. I just really want to be happy, it's been a long week, the most happiest week, but long.

I wanted to share this, written by a woman that I admire, who has been where I have been : ...What it’s like to have a special needs kid. Essentially, it said it’s like preparing to go on a trip to Italy, learning all about Italy and hearing what Italy is like from all your friends who have been there, packing for Italy and getting on a plane to Italy. Then when you land, you realize the plane has actually landed in Holland…at first you are just surprised to be in Holland because you knew so much about Italy and not Holland, but from the second you step off the plane, Holland is not only incredible but better than Italy…and Holland actually becomes home.

Ryan is my Holland and he has my heart. I didn't write this to get sympathy or have people worry, it just needed to be written.

Angel Babies

The Fresno Angel Babies walk was last weekend and it was so fun walking for Team Ryan with my family here in Fresno. We've always done our walks in WA, usually without them there, and they participated here in Fresno every May. It was so good to be together. The walks are always a bitter-sweet for Jake and I.
 
Angel babies is a program by Hinds Hospice, founded by the AMAZING Nancy Hinds. Angel Babies Program provides grief support to families who have a pregnancy or an infant diagnosed with a life limiting condition. She is an angel and has done so much in our community. Her story is here.  You must read. I took a picture of her (below), as she gave medals to each person who finished the walk. She is so cute. She saw the Ryan shirts, with his picture on the front of my moms shirt and she wept. She is so tender- hearted and that really meant a lot to me, being that she never met him. Jake has worked with her through business however, and so she knows Ryan's story.

My aunt and uncle, mom, sister, and little brother all came to walk with us and support us in honor of Ryan.
After the walk we donated money  towards the cake walk, which we all participated in a felt like little kids in grade school again :) The kids were happy when their number was called and they won a cake.
After the cake walk we bought a few angel baby souvenirs and then wrote our balloon messages to Ryan in heaven and released them. By now Ryan has received many balloons and messages over the past almost 4 years! Can't believe it. It was a beautiful and special morning remembering our little boy, grandson, nephew, and great-nephew.

This is Jake taking a picture of us finishing the walk ~

Proud of his medal :)

Nancy :)

Dancing during the cake walk :)

Caleb wanted to write a message to his big brother, so sweet

Thank you to all who support us! Even after four years ... or 20 years later. Go Team Ryan! We love you!

Heaven Day

For Ryan's fourth Heaven Day we kept up our tradition of writing balloon messages to send to him in Heaven along with eating donuts (halos) in remembrance of our angel. Below is Jonathon's sweet writing, he wrote I love you Ryan with a halo he drew over his name and he tried to write the date, 8-24-12 :) It was a beautiful evening and the boys swam in Grandma's pool. They enjoy this tradition of writing to their brother and then watching their messages float up and away into the sky. It was a very peaceful evening and we had to keep Caleb from eating all of the donuts. Uncle Chris was nice enough to put a little piece of donut on one of the balloons strings so Ryan would get some lol.

A little humor was good for me after thinking of his passing day and how it all happened. Flashbacks tortured me all day randomly: the nurse bringing him to us after all of his life sustaining tubes were taken off, holding him skin to skin, hearing his first and last little noise he made, the feeling when the nurse came in and said his heart had stopped, holding him for hours and not knowing how I would ever let him go, passing his sweet body around for family and close friends to hold, leaving the hospital the next day empty handed in a wheel chair without him, hearing the family plan the funeral around me as I could not handle it the next several days, then thinking of his funeral and how beautiful he looked as I got to hold him one last time, the way it felt kissing his cold little nose and eyelids and little mouth, the tears that flowed as Jake and I placed him in his casket and fixed his little white suit, the tragedy when they sealed the casket and knowing that was our final good-bye for a long time, the horror of seeing his tiny casket lowered into the ground, Jake's arms around me as we sat there alone staring at the grave site covered up with dirt, then driving home and knowing that was it, it was all over, and I would have to somehow deal with it and learn how to grieve.

Looking back four years later we have come a LONG way. We still miss him as intensely as we did then, but we have just as much peace to counter it and hope for the day when we will see him again. We feel blessed to have an angel watching over us and to be a forever family, not a 'til death do you part family.

Ryan's Fourth Birthday

We had a total of 70 items donated towards Ryan's Closet this year in honor of Ryan's 4th birthday! I am so grateful for everyone who donated this year, it really means so much! We had preemie outfits, blankets and little hats donated this year. On Ryan's birthday we took the donations to the NICU at Fresno Community Hospital downtown where these items are much needed. It feels so good to do this each year and my dream is for Ryan's Closet to grow larger and larger. To think it first started when I donated some items to the NICU in Seattle and each year as we gave more and more the NICU at UWMC opened a closet to put the items in for families to choose from and the head nurse named it Ryan's Closet. I would love for there to be thousands of Ryan's Closet's all over the place. I didn't send the donations to Uganda as we have the past two years and I missed doing that. I wanted to donate locally and someday hopefully I can do both. Donating these preemie clothes is in honor of my little preemie and the love we have for him and those that helped him in the NICU.

Four years seems like a long time yet at the same time when I think of his scary birth, his condition, holding him, kissing him, singing to him, etc. it seems like just yesterday. I am sure it always will because those memories are engrained in my brain forever. It was a hard day of course and I was glad to receive many sweet messages on facebook, cards in the mail, texts, emails, and phone calls. All those things really help. It was a nice surprise to receive flowers from Jake at my door when he was away at work all day. I was expecting it to be hard for us but I also was expecting the pain not to be so strong. But it was! Jake and I played his songs the morning of his birthday, Baby Mine, You Raise me Up, and You Are so Beautiful. We both cried and cried. Jonathon was at school but as Caleb watched us he was pretty concerned, poor guy. We just miss him so much it hurts. But it lasted one day, we got it out of our systems, and felt peace the remaining time.

After we donated the items we celebrated his birthday back at our home with fantastic cupcakes from Frosted Cakery, our bakers at the Clovis Castle, who are amazing. We lit four candles and sang him happy birthday and then we all made wishes and blew them out.

Looking out from our porch there was the most amazing sunset the night of his birthday. Pink everywhere, I kind of felt like Ryan put some pink in the sky, my favorite kind of sky, to let me know he loves me and he's thinking of me :)

We ended the birthday on a fun note, as I'm sure Ryan would want. We had a dance party. The boys looove to dance, just like mommy and Grandma! Look at them get down! :)

The boys love doing these traditions for Ryan, Caleb doesn't really have a big idea of his big brother, but Jonathon remembers and he gets sad and misses his other little brother. We had a good day celebrating and honoring him though. Happy fourth Birthday Ryan Christopher! You are always on our minds and in our hearts!

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