Funk

I feel like I only post about all the fun, positive and post worthy things we do. This post is going to be different. This week has been really emotional for me and I couldn't figure out why. Through talking with Jake and having some alone time I have been trying to get out of this "funk" as I call it. I finally realized that all my thoughts would end up being about Ryan. For some reason, I thought, this week I am just really missing him and really feeling his absence in my life. It has been two and a half years since his passing, but I realize grieving is not over for me. It has been like a roller coaster. Sometimes, like this week, this happens: I go along the road of life as a happy mom, having fun with her four year old and baby and then all the sudden out of no where, bamb! It's like this invisible mist that creeps up, day by day, month by month, unknowingly to me, and then suddenly shows itself and pounces on me. It started before Caleb's birthday, and putting two and two together I realize that I have these two very strong conflicting feelings, which leaves me to be just a crazy emotional person. I was so extremely happy, beyond words, beyond anything I could ever try and describe to you, to be celebrating a one year birthday for Caleb... how long I have waited for this day! Yet at the same time, I was very very sad that I never got to do that with Ryan and sad about how much I wish I could have. Then I feel guilty about feeling that way because I should be focusing on adorable Caleb. I don't know, might seem odd to you, but I have been just totally missing him this week and just wishing, wishing it could have been different. But it's not, and it won't ever be and I am learning how to accept that, even now two years later, especially on weeks like this. Luckily these episodes aren't frequent anymore, they are very random and seldom now, but they still hurt and are tiring. Tiring because it's like starting all over when it hits, going through all the phases, letting all of it ("it" meaning sadness) come through my system so that when I'm done, I can be over it, be strong again for my family and be happy. I just really want to be happy, it's been a long week, the most happiest week, but long.

I wanted to share this, written by a woman that I admire, who has been where I have been : ...What it’s like to have a special needs kid. Essentially, it said it’s like preparing to go on a trip to Italy, learning all about Italy and hearing what Italy is like from all your friends who have been there, packing for Italy and getting on a plane to Italy. Then when you land, you realize the plane has actually landed in Holland…at first you are just surprised to be in Holland because you knew so much about Italy and not Holland, but from the second you step off the plane, Holland is not only incredible but better than Italy…and Holland actually becomes home.

Ryan is my Holland and he has my heart. I didn't write this to get sympathy or have people worry, it just needed to be written.